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“Reason is the gatekeeper, but it cannot resist the rushing torrents of emotion” ― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom It has been a while since I blogged about my journey to surviving cancer. I do apologize to my followers for my tardiness. So the last time I blogged about my story, I talked about the importance of having good and trusted people to help along the way. Today, I want to start to talk about pre-treatment things and other issues. So you have been diagnosed, your friends are aware of your situation. What next? I have a story to share that is both funny and sad. Up to this point in my journey, I had been very strong emotionally and in every way. I like to control things around me and plan ahead for every eventuality. After I was diagnosed my reaction was very practical and a bit devoid of emotion. My thoughts were mainly focused on the logistics of treatment, managing the kids and maintaining a household with as little interruption to our routine as possible. It was as if the enormity of the challenge had not hit me yet. After my mastectomy surgery, I had a few weeks before my chemotherapy treatments started. I was preparing myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the chemo treatments. Aside from the information I had obtained from my healthcare providers, I was not sure what to expect. Absurdly, my priority was that I did not look terrible whiles going through the treatments. I had been informed that I would most likely lose all my hair all over my body including my face. I always thought cancer patients look more sick because of the loss of hair. In a spurt of vanity, yes, forgive my shallowness, and a wish to make myself feel better about the whole ordeal, I decided to have my eyebrows tattooed so that my face would not look so empty if I lost facial hair. Boy oh Boy! The process was one of the most painful things I have ever had to endure. It always amazes me how people routinely get tattoos. Halfway through the process I almost gave up and asked the lady to stop. She had already done one eyebrow. She laughed and said I would look silly with just one eyebrow. So I sucked it up and endured the pain. Best thing I did for myself at the time. I got two perfectly shaped eyebrows which did wonders for my confidence. The boys however did not seem to think so initially. They were at school when the kind tattoo artist came to the house to do my eyebrows. Their reaction when they saw me was both hilarious and gut wrenching. They just stared at me incredulously and the younger one would not even come near me. They were really shocked at my appearance. That is when I lost it emotionally for the first time since my diagnosis. I run to my room sat behind the door so the boys could not get in and sobbed until I had no more tears to cry. That is when I asked the question "Why"? Why did my husband have to die of cancer and I get cancer less than 3 years after his death. I felt I was being treated unfairly by God. The poor kids thought it was their fault that I was crying because they had expressed their astonishment at the way I looked and were banging frantically on the door asking me to let them in. I reassured them that I was okay and just needed a minute. After that meltdown, I was better able to handle the cards I had been dealt. It felt good to let out all the emotions that had been pent up without me realizing it. Lessons Learnt: It is important to deal with your emotions in order to move on to a road to recovery. Have a good cry and a little pity party if you need to. Let it all out but then encourage yourself in the Lord and move on in the power of His might to the road of recovery.

Scripture: Psalm 42 especially at verse 11- "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why are thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him who is the health of my countenance, and my God."

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